Sleigh Bells Ring, But Are Ya Really Listening?

The holidays are here! This is the time of the year where we all get to put aside our differences…so we can last minute shop, flip off bad drivers, bitch about customer service, complain about our Christmas bonus, argue with our family members, beat the shit out of a fellow parent over a Tickle Me Elmo and spread some fucking holiday cheer!  Sleigh Bells ring….but are you really listening?  The ringing is a panic alarm going off, warning you that what was fun when you were a kid is not much fun when you’re an adult!  Oh its fun when you’re a kid getting the presents, then you get older and you have to make it into the mall the day after Thanksgiving at 5am to get in line for the Blue Furbee with nipple rings because your nephew has a fetish!  Merry Christmas you little bastard, what’d ya get me?  How cute, a piece of crap you made in Boy Scouts arts and crafts!  Thanks asshole, I hope Santa shits in your stocking!

It’s just a build up for let down!  It starts on Thanksgiving!  Oh, this is a fun day!  Sitting around with your family and EATING for an hour and a half, talking about the same stupid stories that you have not only heard before, but you were actually there when they happened.  And of course the holiday season wouldn’t be complete if you didn’t eat the fuckin’ leftovers until Christmas…turkey sandwich, turkey salad, turkey and gravy, turkey casserole…when did we turn into Forrest Gump?

And somewhere in the process of this day you have to help put up the Christmas tree and the outside Christmas lights. 20 degrees outside and we’re on the roof hanging lights! Fuck, the Jews have the right idea, light 8 candles and be done with it!  When I was younger my parents used to say “If you don’t help, you might get coal in your stocking!” GOOD, coal produces heat and I’m gonna need it after I catch this testicle pneumonia! Fuck the presents, fuck these lights, fuck these songs, and fuck the 8-year old who is sledding right now enjoying this holiday! It’s never as simple as it sounds either, because something is always broken from the year before, and guys don’t roll with the punches when this happens, we get pissed. We start throwing things around, kicking boxes, swinging the cords around trying to untangle them, until we ended up breaking everything that did work.

Then the company Christmas party rolls around and THAT is when you even with them for your shitty Christmas bonus….you’re gonna make up for it in a liquor expense.  I will down 85 shots if it means that the boss has to keep forking over more cash. I don’t care if I wake up the next day shaking like an over-bred, coked-out poodle with Parkinson’s, I’m gonna get mine!

Christmas Eve is here…PERFECT, I get to see the same people that just came over on Thanksgiving and hear the same fucking stories again!  And what an exciting time that is sitting around with the special olympic present opening.  Does this process NEED to take 3 hours? It all ends with people saying “take that back, that’s too much, take this back, we don’t need this, come on….” FINE, I will take it back you dickbag…I didn’t want to buy it in the first place!

I love opening presents and getting clothes that I have to “pretend” I’m going to wear throughout the next year. People always tell you, “If you don’t like it, I can take it back and get you something else….” Ok, let’s break that down…..I didn’t like what you bought me in the first place, now I’m going to tell you I didn’t like it and send YOU back to pick me out something else? Or they tell you “I have a gift receipt if you want to return it?” Again a problem, do you ever actually have the guts to ask for the gift receipt? Definitely not, I bet everyone does the same thing I do. You look at it in the box and try to make a happy “ohhhh wow” sound and then pull the sweater out of the box and hold it up to you…hoping it doesn’t fit and that’ll be your way out of it! Sometimes I’ll even go as far as to try on the sweater right there to make it seem like I really like it. People always say “I don’t like giving gift certificates or money, because where’s the thought in that?” There is a lot of thought in that, it’s the most thoughtful thing you could do, to let somebody pick out something they like rather then you giving them the new Wal-Mart, V-Neck, Fleece, with the Wal-Mart Logo right in the middle of it so everybody knows that your family hates you! They’d still be shopping at Venture if it was open! You just can’t win on this holiday!

Below is a list of presents that people have gotten me over the past 10-years of my life. Keep in mind, this could be the reason I’m bitter!

  1. A Build-a-Bear – Are you serious??? I want to go back in time to the day that this girl talked to her friends about what to get me for Christmas and they came up with a fucking Build-a-Bear. After that…I want to back to a little earlier in that conversation to see what suggestions were turned down before deciding on this piece of shit! I was 17-years old at the time…I half-thought about wrapping it back up and giving it to my sister for Christmas. I would’ve gone through with it too, but wouldn’t you know it…this girl put a button in the hand that spoke the words “I love you, I love you!” Some people wonder why they get dumped!
  1. A 4-song CD – We weren’t celebrating Hanukah…there weren’t 7 other presents coming…this was it! A CD that contained 4-songs. I listened to the entire thing before she finished opening the shit I gave her. A full-length CD is $18 at most! I’m glad that you spent a lot of time thinking of what to get me…and then when you decided it would be a CD you planned on using the “It’s the thought that counts” excuse!
  1. A Rose – Fuck you!
  1. A Ying-Yang Shirt with a Coral Necklace – Is somebody telling people that I like the dollar store? Are they shopping for me out of a cereal box or something? This shit was so bad that this girl never even asked me why I never wore it!
  1. Cologne – Now this wouldn’t be such a bad gift except that she didn’t get me cologne that I wore or cologne that I said I liked. She got me stuff that she liked! This is the equivalent of buying me a leash. This is Christmas not Pimp My Ride…you’re supposed to get me stuff I want, stick to the list you hooker!
  1. A Tear-Off Calendar – This is one of those calendars where each day has a saying on it. I think they give these away free if you buy a 4-song CD. I know some people probably don’t think this is too bad of a gift…but I didn’t give you the kicker yet: I WAS LAID OFF AT THE TIME! This is shit that is supposed to go on your desk at work. I’d roll out of bed each day at 11am and go tear a page of my calendar and then sit around my room! Oh lets see what Dilbert says today…”If you work hard you will be rewarded!”…I threw the whole thing out!
  1. A Self-Decorated Picture Frame – Who knew she was so good with a glitter pen! The only way this could’ve been more fitting is if she put a picture in the frame of me wearing a shirt that says “I’m not worth a lot of thought!”
  1. A Jewelry Box – I’m at a loss for words on this one…I guess if I had to find a positive it would be that I now have a place for my coral necklace!

These gifts weren’t just from one person…it was quite a few. People tell me that I’m hard to shop for, but I find it hard to believe that after racking your brain you came up with the above 8-items. I’ve checked the bumper on my car to make sure there’s not a sticker on it that says “I break for broke people”…apparently these are all just pure coincidence!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!