I Saw The Sign And It Opened Up My Eyes

I’m getting sick and tired of these stupid caution signs I see everywhere.  In fact, I’m getting sick and tired of signs in general.  They are a waste of space and an insult to anybody with an intelligent thought process.

Like these signs in the street that say “Caution Blind Child” – are these people honestly trying to insinuate that if this kid wasn’t blind I was gonna hit him?  Is that the implication?  I know if there’s a kid in the street, blind or not, DON’T HIT THE KID – that’s common sense…I don’t need a sign telling for that.  How about we put up a more honest sign “Caution Drunk Parents Who Don’t Watch Their Children” – let’s put up that sign!  What the fuck is a blind kid doing in the front yard?  Shouldn’t he be in the backyard where there is a fence, or a collar, or a leash, ya know, some form of containment to keep an eye on him!  It seems even more cruel to let him in the front yard where there’s a big sign that he can’t even see, how many times is he gonna run into the fucking thing???

Signs are even in the bathroom now.  They have those toilet seat covers in the stalls now….there is a 4-step instruction process on those toilet seat covers.  4 STEPS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!

Step 1 – Take the cover out of the box.  Really???  You mean I don’t throw the whole box in the toilet and shit on that???  Step 1 sure saved me some plumbing problems at Red Lobster!

Step 2 – Place it on the toilet seat!  THANK GOD for step 2 cause I was just licking it and trying to stick it to my ass when I sat down!  Where would we all have been without step 2.

Step 3 is where we all needed help “Tear out the middle piece!”.  What were people doing BEFORE step three came about???  Did this used to be a carnival game?  Were people measuring their fiber intake in there or something???

Step 4 – Throw it away when you’re done.  YES, for those of you enviornmentalists out there, don’t fold it up, put it in your pocket and save it for a later bathroom trip, THROW IT AWAY.  There are plenty of ways to save a buck, your ass isn’t one of them!

My favorite is the sign in the elevator that says “Weight Capacity 1000lbs“.  This would be helpful if the sign was on the OUTSIDE OF THE ELEVATOR!!!  They put the sign inside of it, we don’t see it until we are already on it…it’s too late by then.  That’s like a motorcycle with an airbag – who is that supposed to help Dilbert???  So what, we’re all just fucking screwed if some tank decides to jump on the elevator last minute?  And then it turns into a game of Guess My Weight to know if we’re pushing maximum density!  I get stuck playing Final Destination in an apartment complex elevator cause Jared decides to jump on right before the door closes.  At the very least the floor could act as a scale and we should see the total weight of us at the top of the elevator next to the floor .  This way we could be proactive and be like “Excuse me sir, but could you take your fatass off the elevator before it fucking falls? We’re in the red here!!!  It’s either you leave or the seven of us!  I’m flavor flav tonight and we voted you out of the house!  Gilligan’s ship would’ve sank instead of stranded if you were on it…this is an elevator not a driveway…take the stairs for a month and try it again then!  Don’t blame us, blame the sign!”

I’ve seen signs that say “Caution – Slippery When Wet”!  WE KNOW!!! That’s how water works!!!

Be careful of the final sign “Caution Wildlife Crossing” – this is just absolutely fucking ridiculous….but it could be funny if we saw a blind kid hit a squirrel with his walking stick!