Fantasy Football Shaft

The time has come for men to hear those three little words they’ve been waiting for what seems like a lifetime to hear…”Fantasy Football Draft”! That’s right ladies, the love of our life is back and for the next 5-months you’ll be getting the Fantasy Football Shaft! It’s important to understand that we don’t want to behave this way; unfortunately it’s been bestowed upon us by generations of men before us. Decades of men cheering for the accomplishments of other men with the common understanding that smacking another man on the ass in the name of sport is “totally acceptable”! Yeah, we’re dorks, we get it…but seriously, if Terrence West would’ve just rushed for one more yard last year, we’d have been rich. You don’t know who he is? He’s the guy in the purple jersey, does that help?

Remember all those times that you dreamed of marrying a “man’s, man”? Well, I apologize, they just don’t make ‘em like they used to. In fact, the closest you’ll be getting to a “knight in shining armor” is if I make that my fantasy team name. Back when you settled for me you vowed “For Better or Worse”, well, THIS is the worse! “Till death do us part”, time to kill me or shut up because its gonna be this way for the next 50-years. I’ll give you 311 days a year, just give me the other 54 (Urlacher’s number…you like Urlacher right? He’s retired, but I’ll pretend he’s still playing if it helps!). Marriage is about compromise and I’m only asking for 54 days of the year…I’m even skipping preseason and the Pro-Bowl…why, because I love you. And THAT is why the other 85%* of the year is yours! (*85% doesn’t include the weekend of the NFL draft, any replays of the Super Bowl on the NFL network, or any 30 For 30 NFL related films).

Now, I don’t want you to be the wife that gets into a league and does better than I do at Fantasy Football (because I suck, but when I talk to you about it, I make it sound like I’m good). But I do want you to be involved and on my side in my efforts to hit fantasy pay-dirt (Pay-dirt is a football nickname for the “endzone”, in this situation I’m using it to mean the top 3 payouts). Below are 5-tips for you, my wife, my love, on how you can be a good fantasy wife (that doesn’t involved a nurse’s outfit, or a ball gag) and have some fun with this league!

1) Help Me Name My Team 

There is a pride in naming a Fantasy Football team! Just because my team name last year was “The Skunt” doesn’t mean that I didn’t put a lot of thought into it. But, this is where YOU can come in and help make a dent (Richard Dent used to play for the Bears). You see, once a man puts on his fantasy football uniform, he doesn’t refer to any of the men in the league by anything else other than their team name for the next 21-weeks. (Example: “I’m playing The Skunt this week” or “See if The Skunt wants to grab a drink for the game!”) A fantasy football team name is the equivalent of naming a child (disclaimer: never let me name a child) and we could use a woman’s touch. Sometimes, if you have a really bad fantasy year, your name will follow you even after the season is over and I don’t need the humiliation of being “Alen’s Balls” again for another year…help me do this right!

2) Learn the Balance Between the RedZone Channel & the Televised Games 

At any given time we will be flipping back between CBS, Fox, and the RedZone channel; sometimes, even within seconds of each other (while also looking at our cell phones, iPad’s, and Laptops). It may seem unorganized, but we know exactly what we are doing here. Let’s call this the “putting your make-up on while driving” portion of Fantasy Football. See, it’s starting to make sense isn’t it??? What would be GREAT here is if you developed the instinct on when to flip to these channels without me telling you to and without delay! I promise you I will start looking for crap on the floor when I walk around the house if you show me the same level of detail during the Sunday noon games. Listen, I love the Bears too, but they aren’t important right now…the important thing here is if the muscle hamster is going to choke yet again, or if one of the Johnson’s are going to high-step me into bonus points, allowing me to save my waiver wire pick for another week while using my bench during byes to cover my starters. (Translation: I’ll buy you jewelry, change the f’in channel!)

3) Learn to HATE the Patriots

They are the Yankees of the NFL! They bought their team, they cheated, and they still couldn’t close out an undefeated season. What this all boils down to is…I’m sick of you and every other wife wanting to bed Tom Brady. Learn to hate this team and I promise I’ll give you the ol’ Quarterback sneak in the sack, with a 2-minute warning this time!* (Lot’s of football terminology here…this is really just an elaborate boner joke)(**I can’t really control that…I’ll rub your feet)

4) Make a Decision

Now, I know the thought of this scares you, but I will sometimes need YOU to make a decision. This isn’t something that comes easy to you…Lord knows that we’ve played the “What do you want for dinner?” game so long some nights that we’ve gone to bed with eating at all. However, your husband needs you. Do I risk Keenan Allen this week even though he’s made of glass or do I go with Ryan Mathews whose broken more bones than a Paleontologist with Parkinson’s? These are decisions that a man should never have to make, but your husband got these guys at good value and now is forced to choose (sports…). This means that I need your support and need YOU to make the choice. I can’t possibly take the blame for the wrong decision, so I need you to man up and take it if I lose. The easiest way to make this decision is to do what I do when you ask me what shoes I like better for your outfit. I choose the ones you are holding in your hand…because I know you tried those on first, had second thoughts, put on the second pair and then came downstairs in those to ask me. I go with your first instinct because I don’t really care, but it makes it seem like I loved your original idea. Same concept applies here…go with the first name I give you even though I’ll probably try to sell you on why the second guy is better. But whatever you do, make a choice. I can go to bed hungry, but I can’t leave a spot in my line-up open…that’s just not humane.

5) Act As If…

Remember when I sat down to watch “The Bachelor” with you and I kept asking you all those questions about “Sean Lowe” and who each guy was? That’s right, I didn’t! I just rolled with it even though we were already 7-episodes deep. I didn’t try to catch up, get a backstory, understand what was going on, etc… I acted like I knew already and that helps us both watch this desperate display of humpery in search of “true love”. Even when this dumb lummox was on Dancing With The Stars, I didn’t need to know any other detail…however, thank God Jacoby Jones was along side of him (Wide Receiver for the Ravens). But, I need you to pretend you’re the all-knowing expert every Sunday. To hear “what’s their record”, “who’s on tonight”, “did they get new uniforms” is just you turning the NFL into a soap opera and that’s the last thing I need to deal with. But in your head, if that helps you deal with it, I’m fine with you re-writing the story to fit your agenda. So last year, the Broncos sent the Patriots home without a rose, the Panther’s were voted into the final round, and Peyton Manning was voted Ms. Congeniality.

In closing, we need to learn to love each other through our addictions in life and this is one of mine. I know the rules to a healthy fantasy life on my end:

  1. Do my house chores on Saturday
  2. Make sure I make you breakfast on Sunday
  3. Make sure you have a thorough understanding that I’m going to be on that couch from 11am-11pm every Sunday. I’ll be a couch mashed-potato for a few months while being a dork with my stupid “fantasy”…and after January we can go back to watching your shows about a guy who sleeps with 30 girls to find his true love and we’ll keep up with the Kardashians until Kim and Kanye pump out a compass.

Thank you…and seriously, Keenan Allen or Ryan Mathews???

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